I love hard, but I stupid harder.
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*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.