[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
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Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
I’d use my best pan on you.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew