@SCbchbum: You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
@SCbchbum: My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
@SCbchbum: me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
@SCbchbum: Teens don't know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
@SCbchbum: Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
@SCbchbum: The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
@SCbchbum: I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
@SCbchbum: Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
@SCbchbum: A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream