Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of SCbchbum's best tweets

@SCbchbum : me: how old is your baby? her: 46 weeks me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?

@SCbchbum: Teens don't know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.

@SCbchbum: Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.

@SCbchbum: The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”

@SCbchbum: I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”

@SCbchbum: Friend: I want a baby.

Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.

@SCbchbum: A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream

@SCbchbum: I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.

@SCbchbum: Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.

@SCbchbum: My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn't just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.