In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
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million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Single and childfree like Jesus
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom