[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
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For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.