Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
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[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”