GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
You Might Also Like
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.