Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
You Might Also Like
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
i can’t wait that long
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.