I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
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“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
i dont have time for this
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit