I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
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[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
This fish is cracking me up
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
My friend is an excellent librarian.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Before & after 😅
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
When I snag the last meatball.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”