8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
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Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Welcome
incredible book dedication
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.