Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
You Might Also Like
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.