The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
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I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.