i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
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Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.