@SadMeterologist: TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
@SadMeterologist: Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
@SadMeterologist: Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
@SadMeterologist: Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we're married & live together so I'd have to see them every day.
@SadMeterologist: My neighbors are organizing something called a "fun run". This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
@SadMeterologist: -I heard this dog was chipped.
-I don't care how small the chip is, I'm not paying full price.