comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
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You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.