Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
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Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely