My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
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If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart