Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
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COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole