@Sal0630: Girlfriend: Did you fix the dishwasher?
*girlfriend opens dishwasher revealing a monkey covered in bubbles, holding a scrub brush*
@Sal0630: I thought a drone was the sound women make when you're trying to watch the game?
@Sal0630: Everyone knows she can't get pregnant if she's on top. It's called gravity, stupid.
@Sal0630: In a perfect world anyone that said they, “literally died,” would drop dead on the spot.
@Sal0630: Me: I'm gonna make a salad
Her: I think the lettuce went bad
[lettuce flicks a cigarette, hops out & pulls a switch blade]
@Sal0630: Me: Baby I know you had a long day so I drew you a bath
Her: Ah I can't wait to take it
*hands her paper*
Me: I used your eyeliner pencil
@Sal0630: I was close to becoming a rap god. But then 1 day my mom licked her thumb to wipe a smudge off my face as a kid & ruined all my street cred.
@Sal0630: Boss: I was listening to some Tool on the way to work.
Me: I talk to myself when I'm driving sometimes too, it's ok.
Boss: Just get out.
@Sal0630: Hell is an endless cycle of getting comfortable in bed & then suddenly having to pee