*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
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Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
LMAO.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.