Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
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Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Had an epiphany today.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.