girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
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“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Denise please return my vape pen
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
This is the best one I’ve seen
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Note to self: always read the final line
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.