Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of SaltyCorpse's best tweets

@SaltyCorpse : Toilet paper folded into a triangle in a hotel does nothing for me except remind me that someone touched the tp I need to use.

@SaltyCorpse: Do you ever go back and read your old tweets and wonder, "My God... What was I on and do I have any left?"?

@SaltyCorpse: The county is excusing our kids from school on eclipse day so they don't accidentally burn their eyes.

I went to school with asbestos...

@SaltyCorpse: My son got a Country Boy sticker for his truck. I wrote "but I live on a golf course and I'm afraid of cows" under it bc I don't like lies.

@SaltyCorpse: I'm gonna start writing all my tweets in cursive so my kids can't read them when I'm dead.

@SaltyCorpse: You're not a real parent until you've secretly wished your child's sports team does bad in a tournament so you can go home early.

@SaltyCorpse: I'm eating the last of the pizza rolls but I'm puttting the empty bag back so my kids know what it's like to get their hopes crushed.

@SaltyCorpse: I hate when I get branded "Meanest Mom" so early in the morning.

It gives me nothing to shoot for the rest of the day.

@SaltyCorpse: I have to go watch my kid in a math competition and I just don't understand why Jesus has forsaken me like this.

@SaltyCorpse: My daughter is one eye roll away from being sold to a traveling circus.