@SaltyCorpse: Do you ever go back and read your old tweets and wonder, "My God... What was I on and do I have any left?"?
@SaltyCorpse: The county is excusing our kids from school on eclipse day so they don't accidentally burn their eyes.
I went to school with asbestos...
@SaltyCorpse: My son got a Country Boy sticker for his truck. I wrote "but I live on a golf course and I'm afraid of cows" under it bc I don't like lies.
@SaltyCorpse: I'm gonna start writing all my tweets in cursive so my kids can't read them when I'm dead.
@SaltyCorpse: You're not a real parent until you've secretly wished your child's sports team does bad in a tournament so you can go home early.
@SaltyCorpse: I'm eating the last of the pizza rolls but I'm puttting the empty bag back so my kids know what it's like to get their hopes crushed.
@SaltyCorpse: I hate when I get branded "Meanest Mom" so early in the morning.
It gives me nothing to shoot for the rest of the day.
@SaltyCorpse: I have to go watch my kid in a math competition and I just don't understand why Jesus has forsaken me like this.