DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
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Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?