Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of SaltyCorpse's best tweets

@SaltyCorpse : My dog: I can't get her up. My Other dog: Did you lick her face? My dog: Yeah, no dice. My other dog: Did you run to the door and back? My dog: Yes. Sheesh. My Cat: Get out of my way, amateurs. *hurk* *gag* *hurk* Now she's up, peasants.

@SaltyCorpse: 16: Can you hand me one of those food prong things?

Me: A fork??

16: Yes. Do not tweet this.

@SaltyCorpse: Me: I'm going to take a nap.

My kids: WE CAN'T FIND ANYTHING AND WE'VE FORGOTTEN HOW TO DO EVERYTHING.

@SaltyCorpse: Stranger: You look like you need a hug.

Me: No. That's just my face.

@SaltyCorpse: Me: I've had a migraine for two days.

My dog: OK, I'M JUST GOING TO BARK AT EVERY LEAF OUTSIDE SO THEY'LL BE QUIET OK? BRB

@SaltyCorpse: Him: That's a little dramatic.

Me: I HAVE NOT YET BEGUN TO BE DRAMATIC, GOOD SIR.

@SaltyCorpse: A lot of people are walking around without forks in their eyes only because I don't carry forks around.

@SaltyCorpse: I can't wait till I'm old enough to pretend to fall asleep mid conversation and nobody questions it.

@SaltyCorpse: I had to breathe while my cat was sitting on my lap and now she's disgusted with me.

@SaltyCorpse: Me: Do you have any towels in your room?

My son watching tv: No.

Me: I SWEAR TO JESUS IF I FIND ONE TOWEL IN THAT BLACK HOLE OF A ROOM, I'LL NAIL EVERY PIECE OF UNDERWEAR YOU OWN TO THE TREE OUT FRONT.

My son: Hang on