yes yes a thousand times yes!
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i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder