(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
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WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones