Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
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Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.