*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
You Might Also Like
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Sign of the day..
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes