Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of SamGrittner's best tweets

@SamGrittner : If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, "this'll do"

@SamGrittner: Whenever someone's robbing my house, I pretend I'm robbing it too then I make off with as much of my stuff as possible.

@SamGrittner: Every horse you've ever seen has two people inside them. Horses aren't real. Commitment is.

@SamGrittner: This Uber driver is the worst. I can't roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won't open, and now his siren is blaring.

@SamGrittner: The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.

@SamGrittner: I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.

@SamGrittner: Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.

@SamGrittner: Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.

@SamGrittner: You're one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?

@SamGrittner: If Captain America doesn't have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn't fighting for the America I want to live in.