4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
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*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
I got soap in my shower beer again.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
horrifying if literal: the electric slide