So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
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Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*