WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
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Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)