I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
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A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”