Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
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My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?