I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
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*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*