1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
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Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.