If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
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My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.