What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
You Might Also Like
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
english majors be like furthermore
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”