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WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
no one likes gloating
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
The 6 types of sex
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.