Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
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I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”