An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
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2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Its true…
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.