[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
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I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.