Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
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I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!