fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
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Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
I’m crying im so happy for them
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”