[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
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Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Smooooooth
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.