Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Sarcasticsapien's best tweets

@Sarcasticsapien : People at the gym in January who dress like they're obsessed with working out won't be there by, probably the end of this sentence.

@Sarcasticsapien: Sorry ladies, but I already got my eyes on a woman who's not interested.

@Sarcasticsapien: Describing anything that happens in 2017 makes me sound like a crazy person who just screams at park benches.

@Sarcasticsapien: I'm starting a sarcasm club. It would mean the world to me if you joined.

@Sarcasticsapien: I ran into a woman as I walked around a corner causing her to drop a pile of papers and we didn’t immediately fall in love as we picked them up so now I’ll never trust movies again.

@Sarcasticsapien: Dating in your thirties is fun because you get to tell strangers intimate parts of your past to help them decide that you're staying single.

@Sarcasticsapien: If you really want to be something sexy this Halloween, be a 2015 calendar.

@Sarcasticsapien: I think first dates should just be writing down the bad stuff from your past and sliding it across the table like you're making an offer.

@Sarcasticsapien: I wanna learn to speak Italian. Partially to go to Italy but mostly so I can pretend I don't know English when people wanna make small talk.

@Sarcasticsapien: I stay in shape by drinking lots of water during the day and exercising by walking to and from the bathroom forty times at night.