Funny Tweeter

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Page of Sarcasticsapien's best tweets

@Sarcasticsapien : I wanna learn to speak Italian. Partially to go to Italy but mostly so I can pretend I don't know English when people wanna make small talk.

@Sarcasticsapien: I stay in shape by drinking lots of water during the day and exercising by walking to and from the bathroom forty times at night.

@Sarcasticsapien: Why can't we edit tweets? Because if we could I would edit a tweet with 2,000 retweets to say "RT if you hate puppies and babies."

@Sarcasticsapien: When I ask someone out and they say no I get uncomfortable and just start clapping and saying "Good answer" like people on Family Feud.

@Sarcasticsapien: I'm throwing a party and it should be fantastic. I bought three bottles of vodka, made a great music playlist, and didn't invite any people.

@Sarcasticsapien: Beauty and the Beast is an introvert's worst nightmare. You stay home alone miles from people and then the damn dishes start talking to you.

@Sarcasticsapien: On Halloween I'm going to let kids decide between raisins and a toothbrush so they know what we're going through with this election.

@Sarcasticsapien: This election feels like Tim Burton was writing and directing it and halfway through Quentin Tarantino took over.

@Sarcasticsapien: Even though my dad is a Trump supporter I let him borrow my car because I'm a good person. I mean, I'm going to report it stolen, but still.

@Sarcasticsapien: Coworker: If you had to do it all over again, would you?

Me: Yeah.

Cw: You would? Why?

Me: Because I know what the words "had to" means.