@Sarcasticsapien: I stay in shape by drinking lots of water during the day and exercising by walking to and from the bathroom forty times at night.
@Sarcasticsapien: Why can't we edit tweets? Because if we could I would edit a tweet with 2,000 retweets to say "RT if you hate puppies and babies."
@Sarcasticsapien: When I ask someone out and they say no I get uncomfortable and just start clapping and saying "Good answer" like people on Family Feud.
@Sarcasticsapien: I'm throwing a party and it should be fantastic. I bought three bottles of vodka, made a great music playlist, and didn't invite any people.
@Sarcasticsapien: Beauty and the Beast is an introvert's worst nightmare. You stay home alone miles from people and then the damn dishes start talking to you.
@Sarcasticsapien: On Halloween I'm going to let kids decide between raisins and a toothbrush so they know what we're going through with this election.
@Sarcasticsapien: This election feels like Tim Burton was writing and directing it and halfway through Quentin Tarantino took over.
@Sarcasticsapien: Even though my dad is a Trump supporter I let him borrow my car because I'm a good person. I mean, I'm going to report it stolen, but still.
@Sarcasticsapien: Coworker: If you had to do it all over again, would you?
Cw: You would? Why?
Me: Because I know what the words "had to" means.