Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of SardonicTart's best tweets

@SardonicTart : *Cleans out purse and finds another purse*

@SardonicTart: *Gets on plane*

*Takes out earbuds*

*Untangles earbuds*

*Plane lands*

@SardonicTart: Allow me to play for you the song of my people

*Sound of chip bag opening*

@SardonicTart: Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.

@SardonicTart: Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.

@SardonicTart: Him: Are you ready?

Me: *didn't even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.

@SardonicTart: Me: I can't even tell you how much I hate people.

Twitter: Yes you can.

@SardonicTart: *Googles myself*

"Oh so that's why I didn't get the job."

@SardonicTart: Everything was great until I opened my mouth.

- An autobiography

@SardonicTart: *Gets haircut*
"Omg I love it"

*Ten minutes later*
"Dear God what have I done?"