Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of SardonicTart's best tweets

@SardonicTart : Memorial Day was always my grandpa's favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.

@SardonicTart: My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it'll be ok she only has 47 years left.

@SardonicTart: Walnuts aren't the same when they're not surrounded by a brownie.

@SardonicTart: Someone at work just yelled "go team" so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.

@SardonicTart: I'm going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.

@SardonicTart: "Why am I so thirsty?"

*Flashback to me eating half a ham*

"Oh, right"

@SardonicTart: [Friend who gave birth a week ago]

"I'm on the treadmill!"

[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]

"My tailbone still hurts"

@SardonicTart: [Sunday morning]

Me: Finally a day I can sleep in

Birds: We'll see about that lol

@SardonicTart: I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.