Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of SardonicTart's best tweets

@SardonicTart : Me: I can't even tell you how much I hate people. Twitter: Yes you can.

@SardonicTart: *Googles myself*

"Oh so that's why I didn't get the job."

@SardonicTart: Everything was great until I opened my mouth.

- An autobiography

@SardonicTart: *Gets haircut*
"Omg I love it"

*Ten minutes later*
"Dear God what have I done?"

@SardonicTart: I waited for so long at the doctor's office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.

@SardonicTart: [Gone for an hour]

Boss: Where have you been?

Me: There was a new roll of toilet paper in the bathroom and I couldn't find the beginning.

@SardonicTart: *Wakes up*

"Wow I feel pretty good"

*Moves body*

"Maybe I spoke too soon"

@SardonicTart: How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it's not going to start? According to my neighbor it's 458 times.

@SardonicTart: There's no "I" in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.

@SardonicTart: Sometimes I'm scared I'll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I'm not so scared anymore.