No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
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*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.