Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
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I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
How software testing works