My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
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me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.