Jewel: 馃幖 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you鈥檙e ahead
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“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fianc茅, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you鈥檙e either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don鈥檛 have animals named after the other deadly sins?
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You鈥檙e supposed to yell timber.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
馃ぃdope
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*