I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
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texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
And they lived apathetically ever after.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.