MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
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Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.