Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
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I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
I’m not proud
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter: